4 Emails Pam Never Sent and 1 She Did
by standing-in-the-doorway
Summary: Just what the title says. Pam/Jim after Casino Night.


_Short and sweet (I hope). Spoilers for everything post "Casino Night." Read and review please. _

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**1. The summer between "Casino Night" and "Gay Witch Hunt"**

Pam thought having to look at Jim's empty desk was bad, but seeing Ryan take his seat was worse. It was proof that life was going on, uninterrupted, even though her world had been turned upside down.

She felt like her heart was breaking every day in a lonely apartment and a lonely office. She needed to do something.

Clicking open Outlook, she typed in a familiar email, something that hadn't changed even though everything else had. She flexed her fingers, unable to think of what to say. She decided for simple.

_Dear Jim,_

_I know things were weird between us when you left, so I don't know if you want to hear from me._

_But I needed to tell you …I called off my wedding with Roy. _

_Please call me. You know the number._

_Pam_

She stared at her computer screen, rereading the email. Could she really send Jim just 44 words after everything that had happened between them? No, she couldn't.

It wasn't the kind of thing you could tell someone over email.

She clicked delete.

**2. After "Initiation" **

Pam couldn't stop thinking about the conversation she had with Jim the night before. She had forgotten how easy it was to talk to him, how quickly he made her laugh.

She missed him. Oh God, she missed him.

He was her best friend. Whatever romantic feelings existed between them were secondary to the fact she wanted someone to prank Dwight with, eat lunch with or call when she was scared watching _28 Days Later_ instead of _28 Days_.

Would he dare to call back? Maybe not. Things ended awkwardly on the phone.

Maybe she would have to take the first step. She was feeling brave today.

_Hey _

_It was really good to talk to you the other night. We should do it again some time. I have lots of_

"Pam pam bo bam banana fana fo fam!" She jumped when Michael called her name and quickly ex-ed out of her email window.

By the end of her seemingly endless encounter with Michael, her bravery was gone and the unfinished draft languished in her folder until her mailbox self-cleaned.

**3. After "Diwali"**

The next morning, Pam still couldn't believe how her night had turned out. She had been having fun, dancing with that Indian guy. Then Michael had tried to kiss her and rode home in the back of her car. It wasn't the night she had wanted.

It was appalling and crazy and she knew only one person who would fully appreciate it. She clicked open her email and started typing, trying not to laugh to herself.

_Jim_

_Last night, Michael proposed to Carol in front of a high school auditorium full of Indian people. She, obviously, said no. This was of course after he and Dwight performed a song for Diwali based on The Hanukah Song._

_You'll never even believe what happened next. I had to reject a kiss attempt from Michael. I nearly died. I can't believe you weren't there to see it._

Suddenly, she was struck by a thought. He had never responded to her text.

Knowing how much it took to shock her when it came to Michael these days, she thought "OMG Michael is insane! Ask me why" would get a response. So she had been thinking that maybe he hadn't gotten it, but what if he had? What if he had just ignored it, ignored her?

Overwhelmed with doubt, she deleted the email. She sent the text - it was his turn to make a move.

**4. In the Middle of "The Negotiation"**

Pam hightailed it out of the office during the commotion after Roy's attack attempt. It was probably one of the worst moments of her life, seeing her ex-fiancé raise his fist against Jim.

Thank God for Dwight – a thought she never thought she'd have.

She felt awful. She had always known Roy had a temper but she had never expected him come barreling into the middle of the office. He could have seriously hurt Jim. How was she going to go to work tomorrow and face him?

After a couple glasses of wine, she sat down at her computer and opened her email.

_Jim_

_I am so so so so sorry. I can't say it enough. I never should have gotten back together with Roy, I never should have told him about Casino Night, I've made so many mistakes, I'm so so so sorry, Jim. I don't know what to do to make it better. Please let me know what I can do._

She stopped typing, took a sip of her wine and reread her email. Oh great, she thought, rambling in an email, she didn't even know she could do that.

She highlighted her words and pressed delete. She needed to be braver. She needed to face Jim in person, own up to her mistakes. She took another sip of wine.

**5. Season 4, after "Money"**

Pam stared at Jim's empty desk morosely. She had been incredibly bored all day and now, at 4:30, Michael suddenly needed help with a mound of paperwork that should have been done ages ago. She had a romantic evening with Jim planned, but it appeared it would be getting a late start.

She maximized her Outlook window and typed in Jim's email. He had been out on sales calls for hours and wouldn't be coming back to the office today. But he had his Blackberry.

_Halpert – _

_Michael's making me stay late because he's procrastinated all day. Can you pick up the groceries for dinner tonight? I'll be home as soon as I can._

_Don't forget the whipped cream ;)_

_Love Pam_

She clicked send.


End file.
